Late Night Musings: No Longer Gray

A few weeks ago, I had a dream about a friend of mine that for several years I referred to as Mr. Gray Area. He was a great friend (most of the time) and we had crossed the "Friends with Benefits" line forever ago. The Gray Area lay in how we both had feelings for each other and could easily joke about how our friendship was the longest "non-relationship relationship" we had both been in. Not a healthy relationship, I know. Back in June 2010, he had once again cancelled an outing last minute and I basically sent him an email saying that things were not working. For better or worse, for several months, we'd basically only just sent text messages and emails back and forth.

The dream I had a few weeks ago was of me receiving in the mail an engagement announcement from him. He was announcing his engagement to a young lady whose name I don't remember from the dream, but I also didn't recognize her as any of his friends that I already knew. What I remembered was that he was happy. The picture of him and this woman radiated happiness. I'm someone who knows his happy smile. I've seen it before--whether aimed at me or some other female. And it was clearly in my dream. The next scene in the dream was me all dolled up walking into the engagement party. Several of his friends--both male and female--were there, looking a bit surprised that I was there. In my mind's eye, as I dreamed, I was a bit surprised too. My friend came running over to me in the dream and gave me the biggest hug, told me how happy he was to have me there, and immediately introduced me to his fiance, who was a true sweetheart and exactly what I knew he'd want in the woman he'd want to finally give his heart to and settle down with. She gave me a hug as well, said she'd heard all about me, and was so glad that I was there to celebrate with them.

"I am too." I said with an honest smile. And then I woke up.

I told my friend about the dream in a text message today after  he shared a dream he had about me just last night. We recently spoke on the phone for the first time in months and it felt like old times. He called me and was asking me about the dream and wanted more details. A friend of his (female) was at his apartment, listening to him ask me questions about the dream. She asked him a question (I did not hear what), but his response was: "Hey, if she had a premonition dream about my future wife, I need to know what I should be looking out for."

I didn't have the heart to tell him that while I have had some dreams that have come true in parts in the past, this dream was more about me than him. For the longest time, I feared that exact scenario in the dream. My own feelings for him did not warrant me wanting to see him with anyone else. Call it an extreme ego moment, but for the longest I beat myself up about "why not me"? I saw myself as the woman he could build with, who would hold him down and be there for him "for better or worse". And I was not sure my bruised ego or broken heart could handle hearing that he'd found happiness with someone else.

The dream represents my being over Mr. Gray Area. My recognizing that some things are just not meant to be, and finally being at peace with that. That is the first step. And for it, I am grateful.