On April 16, 2012 I started on a pathway towards what I hope to be a healthier lifestyle and healthier I me. I started working out three times a week with a personal trainer. Tried changing the ways and things I eat (I say try because I know I can improve in this area). And even though I do see a change, of course I know I could be doing so much more. When it comes right down to it, I can look back over the last nine months and admit that there is a personal level of commitment that sometimes just isn't there 100% on so many levels. I find myself wanting more, but shying away from what will ultimately bring me whatever it is I'm looking for.
I forced myself to take a couple of personal days off this week, mostly because I needed some time to think. January 2013 was an interesting month for so many reasons (one important one I will dive into in my month in review post later this week). As I was out with one of my best friends grabbing some lunch, she immediately picked up on my lower than usual spirits. Her son calls the mood "soggy" i.e. a dark & dampened spirit. I told her of my current feelings of lack of personal commitment to myself and an overall feeling of being a bit lost. She asked me some important questions that had me really thinking: "What's the point? What's your ultimate goal? You have made the decision to get healthy and lost weight all of your own volition. That is wonderful! But what is your end goal?"
I thought for a moment and honestly told her I wasn't sure. Of course she told me that was part of the problem. There has to be a goal. Otherwise, what are you committing to? And if I didn't have an ultimate goal, what was holding me back from establishing one?
I do feel like I have a fear of commitment. A fear of creating the life that I want for myself to the fullest extent. On my FB timeline every day are people proudly proclaiming "I LIVE!" as they continue to put the hard work in to make their dreams reality. By their spirit of living, they inspire others to live, even so much as making them part of the dream. And in the recesses of my mind, I know that can be me. So what is the issue? The fear of victory maybe? The fear of failing should be a moot point by now. How often have I done THAT already? I don't think it is a matter of simply being overly hard on myself either (although it could be that I am too EASY on myself too). Deep down, I know that if I cannot commit to myself, there's no way I will ever be able to fully commit to someone else, nor will I find someone who wants to fully commit to me, which is (marriage) something I want more than anything...to love and be loved.
I guess that is why when I read the quote from Maya Angelou this morning, it hit home even deeper, and made me even more convinced to work this all out and get back on track. I am battling not only the physical, but even more so, I am battling the mental & the emotional. This is so much more than just losing weight for me. I am trying to prove something to myself.
This picture of me was taken at Full Figured Fashion Week in June 2012 in New York City. One of the event sponsors had a booth where women could select a word or words that describes them. I flipped through the words with my friend, and when I saw determined, it immediately resonated within me. I am determined to commit to me. This process is something that will not take a month, it might take even more than just a year, but it is worth it! If I cannot commit fully to myself, then I might as well be offering someone else a shirt as I stand before them naked.
I am determined. This is only the beginning. But I am ready. I have three more months until I will have been working on making healthy a habit for a full year. Time to set some goals for now and for the rest of 2013...and beyond.
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